A Sirius stalker
by SortingDumbleDear
Summary: Ilana Brown is the love of Sirius Blacks life. He just doesn't know it yet. This determined young lady will go to all lengths to secure her place as Sirius number one girl, but how far is to far? Canon pairings.


**A Sirius stalker**

**Authors note: **Hey guys and welcome. This is my new Harry Potter story and my first under this account. Yay. This is an idea I've been playing with for literally YEARS now but have always avoided writing as I have always wanted to explore the relationships between the existing canon characters and, as clique as it sound, I didn't want to risk turning a story idea that I generally love into a potential Mary Sue situation. But I've decided to not let my fear prevent me from writing it any longer, so here is a Sirius stalker which will pretty much be the story about a girl who is obsessed with the lovely and majestic Sirius Black and all her ways to try and court him, most of which will be unsuccessful. So while there may be a little romance it will mostly be one sided on her part. I will be sticking with Canon and Rowling made law and history as closely as possible. Clearly I do not own the world or existing characters, Ms Rowling does, bless her. Without further ado here is a Sirius stalker.

**A Sirius stalker**

**Chapter one**

Dark and squished. That was the only way Ilana Brown could describe her life at that moment in time, which was a very appropriate description given the fact that she had squeezed her way into a mahogany storage cabinet filled to the brim with underwear from which a scent so nauseatingly off-putting came that it would slither into the very deepest membranes of one's brain no matter how far or at which angle you held them from your face with a finely and a stack of outdated, sticky muggle playboy magazines.

Oh yes, Ilana was exactly where she wanted to be.

With an ear flattened against the dark wood she strained as hard as she could to hear the conversation taking place right outside, but could only catch pieces here and there. Damn it! She made a mental note to make a listening and potential spying hole next time _they_ left.

"And then she said 'James you idiot'. James! I knew I had been making process, but she actually called me James. I'm already on month 3 of my 6 month plan"

"James you idiot"

"Exactly"

"No, James you idiot"

"Don't say it like that Moony, don't ruin this for me. Today it's James you idiot, tomorrow James you above average looking person in my life who I hold I appreciate having known and would like to know more about because you are just soooo dreamy, and then, expelliamus, James the devilish handsome love of my life."

"Will that be before or after the Chudley canons are premiers?"

"Hopefully before"

Something banged loudly against the door of the cabinet making Ilana pull away suddenly, knocking her arm into something that may have been a pile of parchment at some point but was now sprouting a green fungus. It fell and hit the ground with a clanking springy motion before stilling. Ilana held her breath and felt the two pairs of eyes outside the closet on her, even through the thick wood. This was bad. McGonangall had warned her of what would happen if she had been caught in this room unannounced again. She couldn't let that happen. She wouldn't let that happen. She heard footsteps approach the cabinet door and held her breath.

And realised it as door opened, but not hers. Heavier footsteps walked into the room and the voice of Peter Pettigrew announced "I'm hungry"

"That's no surprise" James said. Ilana could practically hear the rolling motion of his eyes, "You keep eating like this Pete you will turn into a bloody buffet. But, yeah, so am I. It's late, where is Padfoot anyway? Out popping the cherry with McKinnon? He's had his eye on that peach for a while now"

Ilana simultaneously clenched her fists and slammed her ear with such ferociousness it's a miracle the entire cabinet didn't tip over. Marlene McKinnon. That bitch. That slut. That who-

"Nah. In his dreams,"

-lesome, sweet angel.

"Where is he then? We've got to speak more in depth about Tuesday night" said the worried voice of Remus Lupin.

"Don't know if he will make tonight mate. You see our good friend Padfoot thought it would be funny to give Longbottom, well, a long bottom. Should of seen it, dragging along the ground like Snivellus's mums tits.I don't know how he comes up with this stuff, I really don't. Anyways, Mcgoggles gave him two whole week of detention."

"Brilliant, bloody brilliant" James laughed hysterically "Franky must be so pissed. Wish I could have seen it, the look on his face. Sometimes it's a real shame we don't learn how to use a pensive to 7th year, this would have been a perfect moment to relieve again and again"

"Yeah, but what about Tuesday? Sirius won't be there if his in detention" Remus said with the same tone of worry in his voice

"Relax Remus, it will all be sorted. We will sort it. Look on the bright side, at least we will be seeing a lot less of Brown this week" Something hit the cabinet door again, but Ilana resisted pulling away this time. "Anyway, we will worry about it later. I'm starving"

"Yeah, I guess so. As long as you promise James, we will sort it." Remus said

"I promise Moony. I solemnly swear, now let's go, I'm pretty sure it's wrap night. Hey, what do you think the chances are that Frank's ass will still be elongated?"

The door closed and the room went silent.

Ilana waited a couple of minutes to be on the safe side before opening the door to her hiding place and crawling out, a pair of crusty underwear encasing her head and she balled them up, turning to throw them back into their cave of stench, but instead her hand caught on something on the floor and she fell onto her back, dirty underwear falling onto her face. They smelt so gross, do disgusting, so _Sirius._ Ripping them off and chucking them away she stood up and looked at the bludger that she had slipped on, sitting on the floor. That explained the banging. Evans was right – James was an idiot.

But the night hadn't been wasted. Sure Sirius hadn't shown up, but she learnt valuable information. Information she could use and would use.

She wondered how Marlene McKinnon would look with sagging tits.

**A/N – well that was…different. Ilana will be tricky for me to write but she should be fun. I should state that I view the character of Peter differently to 98 percent of people. I don't think he was left out, I don't think he was unpopular, and I don't think he was stupid. I just don't think he was confident in himself and that James and Sirius picked on him a fair bit, which didn't help those views of himself. I think he was a bit of a victim. So that will be, like always, how I will portray him. Like? Please review and subscribe. Thanks for reading.**


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